Colnago V5RS – The Bike That Ruined Lives And Tightened Glutes
Let’s be clear: the Colnago V5RS is not a bicycle. It is a weaponized slab of Italian desire. It is adrenaline lacquered in carbon, sculpted for raw physical expression, and tuned to ruin quiet suburban marriages. This bike does not simply go fast. It goes places inside you.
First: How To Ride It Properly (Foreplay Matters)
If you think you can just swing a leg over this thing and start hammering, congratulations—you just told everyone you don’t know how to treat a high-performance machine. The V5RS demands respect, patience, and emotional presence.
Step 1: Warm Up The Relationship
Spend time caressing the top tube. Clean it. Polish it. Whisper something in Italian—even if it’s just “espresso bicicletta amore tortellini.”
Step 2: Lube With Intention
A dry chain on this bike is a felony in 23 countries. Apply chain lube slowly. Make eye contact with it. Let the lube drip like a soft symphony of mechanical intimacy.
Step 3: Tease The Gears
Don’t slam into the big ring immediately—you animal. Work up to it. Let the di2 click like soft bedroom light switches. Feel the tension build.
Step 4: Full Commitment
Now—only now—you may engage maximum thrust output. Drive those watts like a Roman emperor claiming new territory. Sprint. Climb. Take it all the way to FTP and back down again. Let it scream.
Final Verdict
The Colnago V5RS is too much bike for most people—and exactly enough bike for the dangerously curious. It will change you. It will tempt you. It will ask questions about your soul you didn’t know existed. But if you’re brave enough…
Score: 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 / Marriage Counseling Required
Reviews From Angry Spouses
⭐☆☆☆☆
“My husband bought this ‘just to get fit.’ Two weeks later he shaved his legs, joined a cycling club called ‘The Hammer Daddy Collective,’ and now women wink at him at red lights. This bike turned him into a problem.”
— Cynthia H.
⭐☆☆☆☆
“My wife now refers to her bike as ‘him.’ When she talks about ‘going hard in the mountains,’ she’s not talking about me.”
— Tom S.
⭐☆☆☆☆
“I thought cycling was a hobby. Now my girlfriend comes home glowing and refuses to explain why. Her quads are terrifying.”
— Darren L.
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Ever since that Colnago showed up, I’ve been sleeping on the couch while it gets a climate-controlled bedroom. Also she moans on indoor trainer rides now and I don’t know what to do emotionally.”
— Jess M.
⭐☆☆☆☆
“It’s not a bike. It’s a homewrecker.”
— Anonymous (court-ordered review)
💬 More Comments from YouTube: “Colnago V5RS: First Ride Review”
(Uploaded by: ItalianCarbonDaddy69)
🏆 Top Comment
@CrankAddict69 – “Bro this isn’t a bike review it’s softcore porn. I had to delete my search history after watching.”
@SpicyWatts – “That moment at 4:12 when he shifts into the big ring and moans… yeah I’m gonna need a minute.”
@LegsShavedSince98 – “I showed this to my wife. Now she wants a V5RS and a vasectomy for me.”
@FTP_is_a_state_of_mind – “This bike climbs like it doesn’t believe in gravity or foreplay. Just straight to business.”
@Di2Dominatrix – “The way he lubes that chain should be illegal in 37 states and Utah.”
@OnlyFansButForBikes – “Anyone else notice the bike’s rear triangle is THICC? Asking for a friend.”
@SaganWasRight – “I thought I was watching a bike review but I think I just got pregnant.”
@CarbonSlut87 – “Dude said ‘fully internal cable routing’ and I felt that.”
@RimBrakeForever – “I moaned at 6:29. My family heard. I don’t want to talk about it.”
@I_Do_My_Intervals_In_Bed – “That head tube is longer than my last relationship.”
@PinarelloFanboy – “I came here to laugh… why did I cry when he said 'Italian soul'?”
@Reynolds420 – “Bro STOP calling the seatpost ‘him.’”
@ChainstayChokehold – “I swear that derailleur shifts like it wants to pin me to the wall.”
How It Compares –
Specialized S-Works Tarmac SL8
The “guy she tells you not to worry about” but turns out he moisturizes and listens to Coldplay.
Wind-tunnel abs, personality of a dishwasher.
Fast, sure—but so are Red Bull athletes and cocaine decisions.
Riding it feels like dating a LinkedIn influencer: technically perfect but dead behind the eyes.
Comes with a free moral dilemma: am I fast, or am I just predictable?
Pinarello Dogma F
Looks like it was sculpted by a Roman God and a plastic surgeon after three Aperol Spritz.
Costs as much as a divorce but doesn’t hug you after.
Gives off “I wear cologne on group rides” energy.
You don’t choose Dogma—Dogma chooses your wallet, your wardrobe, and eventually your soul.
Aero gains so good you’ll start shaping your eyebrows and defending it publicly.
Bianchi Specialissima
Featherweight Italian poetry. Like kissing someone on a balcony in Lake Como while Pavarotti moans softly in the background.
Celeste paint so sexy it could probably convince a priest to cheat.
Climbs like it’s powered by Catholic guilt and espresso.
Looks innocent—rides like it teaches tantric workshops in the Dolomites.
You don’t ride it—you ascend spiritually and require a cigarette afterward.
Colnago V5RS (Our Hero)
The only bike here that knows what you want before you do—emotionally intelligent filth.
Responds to power like it’s allergic to mercy.
DNA tested: 50% carbon, 50% forbidden romance.
So Italian it automatically improves your hip mobility and desire to argue about sauce.
Makes you faster, harder, and emotionally unavailable during race season.
Leave a comment
This site is protected by hCaptcha and the hCaptcha Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.